Oh, you're back. Wasn't that episode a hoot?
This next episode, "Ike's Wee-Wee," is about a man facing his addiction...
...and coming to terms with life before he loses everything.
- And Ike's wee-wee. - Right.
I have to go to the bathroom.
What did I say? Calm down or I'm gonna be forced to use ninja star.
It also deals with the important subject matter of circumcision.
That's when they take a knife and cut your penis into two halves.
Then they tie them in a little bow.
- No, they don't. - Huh?
Dude, that's not what they do.
Is that what they did to you?
Well, yeah, that's what they do to everybody, isn't it?
No.
Now I know why Sally calls you "The Pretzel."
Shut up!
- Well, anyway, this episode is- - I have to go.
Goddamn it! Give us two minutes!
- I can't wait two minutes. - That's it. Ninja star!
Well, anyway, sit back, relax and enjoy "Ike's Wee Wee."
Ike's Wee Wee
Children, let's take our seats.
We're going to have a special lecture from your school counselor, Mr. Mackey.
- Boo! - Now, who was that?
That is not appropriate behavior. M'kay?
I'm sorry, Mr. Mackey. M'kay?
That's okay. Just don't let it happen again.
We won't let it happen again, Mr. Mackey. M'kay?
- Okay, okay, that's fine. - M'kay?
Okay. Now, as your counselor...
...I'm here to tell you about drugs and alcohol and why they're bad. M'kay?
So first of all, smoking's bad. You shouldn't smoke.
And alcohol is bad. You shouldn't drink alcohol.
And as for drugs, well, drugs are bad.
You shouldn't do drugs. That about wraps up my introduction.
Now, are there any questions? Yes, Stan.
Why do dogs have cold noses?
Well, I'm not sure.
Now, let's focus our discussion first on marijuana.
Marijuana's bad. And it also has a very distinct smell. M'kay?
I'll pass around just a tiny bit.
I want you to take a smell...
...so you know when someone's smoking it near you.
Pass it on. When it gets back to me, we'll finish talking about it.
Meanwhile, I want to get into alcohol. M'kay?
Alcohol is bad. If you drink alcohol...
You guys coming to Ike's party?
He's having a party? Is it his birthday?
- No, it's his bris. - What's a bris?
- I don't know. There's food and a band. - Kick ass! I wanna have a bris.
And so, that's why alcohol is bad.
Has that marijuana made it back up here yet?
No? Okay. Let's talk about LSD.
LSD is bad. It's a drug made famous by John Lennon and Paul McCartney.
Are we supposed to get Ike presents?
- I'm not sure. - Better find out.
- Boys, are you paying attention? - Sorry, Mr. Mackey. M'kay?
Okay. Now, children, has that marijuana made it around yet?
Who has the marijuana now?
M'kay, whoever has the marijuana...
...just pass it up to the front row. M'kay?
I'm very disappointed in you.
You should be ashamed of yourself. How could you be so stupid?
Sorry, Principal Victoria.
"Sorry" won't cut it this time, mister. I'll have to suspend you from school.
You mean I'm fired?
That's the grown-up way to put it, yes.
It was an honest error of judgment. M'kay?
It was important for kids to know the smell of marijuana.
It was an error of judgment, but I have to let you go for it.
We searched them, but came up empty.
We had to let them go home. One of them now has Jamaican grass!
How am I going to make ends meet? M'kay?
What will I do for money?
Maybe this will blow over someday...
...and we can give you a janitor's job cleaning up vomit with pink sawdust.
- Getting searched sucked. - Yeah, my ass is killing me.
Why search us? That marijuana never made it to us. I wonder who took it?
And now it's almost time for Bo-bo's.
Hello there, children.
- Hey, how's it going? - Bad.
- Why bad? - I heard about what happened today.
- None of you took that nasty marijuana? - We never even saw it.
Okay, because I wanna tell you...
- ...that drugs are bad. - We know. That's what everybody says.
Right. But do you know why they are bad?
They're an addictive solution to a greater problem...
...with consequences outweighing benefits.
And do you have any idea what that means?
- No. - I know. Drugs are bad.
If you do drugs, you're a hippie. Hippies suck.
This is all I'm going to say about drugs:
Stay away from them! There's a time and a place for everything.
And it's called college. Do you understand?
- Sure. - Okay.
- Are you coming to Ike's bris? - Hell, no. I can't bear to see that.
- What you mean? - You know what a bris is?
They will circumcise him.
- What's that? - Oh, boy. Here we go again.
Children, what's the one thing that's more sacred to a man...
...than anything else in the world?
- Bicycles? - Ham?
- No, not ham, you fat f**k. - Screw you! It's ham?
No, I'm talking about the most important part of a man's body.
- Your heart? - Your eyes.
Your penis.
- That's right. - My mom says you can't call it a penis.
- You have to call it a fireman. - "Fireman"?
Or else you get a spanking.
Damn it, why do I always have to explain all this stuff?
- Ask your parents for once. - Hey, wait!
I think this bris thing isn't good.
Mackey, you got any more pot? My 4-year-old needs a fix.
Mackey! Now we see what you and Homer Simpson have in common: dope!
Mackey! Who do you think you are, you stupid, drug-taking hippie?!
Hey, hippie! You going to do some drugs?!
- I haven't seen you around here before. - No, I had to get away. M'kay?
- I just lost my job. - That's weak, man.
You know what you need? A good, stiff drink.
I don't drink. M'kay?
Trust me, man. It'll make you feel better.
Drinking's bad.
Go ahead. Drink the beer. It'll calm you down.
Yeah, why the hell not? It's just a beer. Don't be such a pussy. M'kay?
- So how do you feel? - About the same.
You just need something stronger.
- Kyle, you have to stop them! - Stop who?
I found out what a bris is, what they'll do to Ike.
- What? - They will chop off his wee-wee.
Chop off his wee-wee? You sure?
It's a Jewish tradition called circumstision.
Dude, that's not cool. Chopping off wee-wees isn't cool.
- My parents wouldn't do that. - I asked five people.
All Jewish boys have circumstisions. They make it into a party.
Dude, you don't just chop off somebody's fireman.
I won't believe it. I have to ask my parents.
Is this my house?
Your key won't work. I changed the locks.
- Why, Mr. Freely? - I'm not renting to you.
I heard you got fired for selling drugs to children.
No, no, no! M'kay? It wasn't like that.
Drugs are illegal. And having never taken drugs...
...I can say they've nothing to offer.
But I've never taken drugs either.
I've never taken drugs and I'm fine. Now get off my property...
...before I lose control and kill you!
- Ow! M'kay? - Drug user!
Drug user! Come back here, damn it!
- Just a little higher. - Mom. Dad.
I'm glad you're here. You can help us decorate for the party.
- Your mother's made gahagafaka. - What is gahagafaka?
Mom, Dad, what exactly is this party for?
To celebrate your little brother's passage into life.
- Meaning what? - Meaning we'll circumcise him.
- They're going to cut off his fireman! - It's Jewish tradition.
Normally, we do it right after birth. We had to do it later for Ike because-
Now, what's gotten into him? Stan, will you go talk to him?
Let us cut off your pee-pee, Stan.
What is the matter with them?
- My parents are cannibals. - What will you do?
I have to send my brother away until they come to their senses.
Come on, Ike! Cover me for a while. I'll hide him and come back.
We're not staying with your wee-wee chopping parents.
Give me 30 minutes. Come on, Ike.
Can't sleep. It's too cold. M'kay?
Want something to warm you up?
- I didn't know this alley was taken. - Here. Try this. It'll warm you up.
- Marijuana's bad. - What?
Marijuana makes you feel depressed and low. M'kay?
- And you don't feel that way now? - Good point.
No, I don't feel any diff-
Ooh, baby. Get down. M'kay?
Man, this alley's cool!
- It's so alive and beautiful. - Oh, boy.
Come on, Ike, hurry.
- Where's the train going? - Lincoln, Nebraska. In five minutes.
You wanna go to Nebraska? One ticket for my brother.
Your brother? I thought it was a trash can. What's wrong with his head?
Sorry, but we just can't throw babies on an outbound train.
- My parents will cut off his ding-dong. - What? Why?
They've just gone crazy for a while. I have to hide him.
- No can do, sonny. - Damn it!
Ike, if you want to keep your penis, you have to get on this train.
Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Goodbye, Ike. Be safe.
I'll come find you when Mom and Dad are back to normal.
Oh, man, where am I?
It's that counselor from elementary school, Mr. Mackey.
- Wow, dude. - Hi, boys. How are you today?
- Good. How are you? - I've been better.
- I've been kicked out for doing drugs. - Us too.
Remember? You caught us smoking weed and got us suspended.
Oh, fortune, how you mock me.
Cheer up. All you need is some clear liquid to get your head straight.
Boys, LSD is bad.
Who put all this cotton in my mouth?
Yeah, baby.
The world is so small.
I'm free. I'm free.
- Sweet, dude. Totally killer. - That guy's totally tripping.
- There. What do you think? - What's that?
A dummy Ike doll. I have to bring him back for dinner.
- Your mom will notice that isn't Ike. - I'll say he's sick and put him to bed.
- Go away! Bad dog! - What did you make that doll out of?
- Bones from the butcher shop. - Is that why it stinks so bad?
- Hi, boys. - Hi, Mr. Mackey.
- Are you boys staying out of trouble? - Yes.
Okay. I'm just going to go over here for a while.
I need your help so that my parents don't realize Ike's gone.
- Knock it off! - I'm never going back to your house.
Come on. If it were your little brother, we'd help you.
Wait. No, you wouldn't!
Look at that, honey. Somebody dropped off a perfectly good trash can.
Where have you been? Dinner's been ready for five minutes.
Sorry. I had to deal with Ike. He's been cranky.
- How's my little jellybean? - Bye-bye. See me. Mama.
I'll take him to get washed up.
But first, let Mommy give you a kiss.
No, Mommy! He doesn't want you kissing him.
- Oh, my God! Make it stop! - Put it down!
- My baby! Oh, God, the horror! - Get out of here, mutt! Let him go!
Oh, my baby! Bubeleh of mine!
- My baby! - No!
GAS TANK
He's dead! He's dead!
My little bubeleh's dead!
There, there, Sheila. There's nothing we can do.
"Usher us unto the Lord," sayeth some Jewish guy once.
Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust.
How come Ike's tombstone has a Canadian flag on it?
There's something you have to know.
Ike wasn't your brother. He was adopted.
- What?! - He was not a Broflovski.
He was Canadian. But we loved him all the same.
You mean all this time I've been trying to protect Ike...
- ...and he's not even my brother? - What are you saying?
Dude, Ike isn't dead. He's in Nebraska.
- What?! - They will find him, cut off his penis.
- Fireman. - Who the hell cares?
He's not even my responsibility.
- Oh, my God! They've killed Kenny! - You bastards.
Let us ponder the Lord's mercies. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust.
Out of the way!
I don't need to take your right-wing bull****!
- What? - You're just like the government, man.
Trying to prosecute out one side of your mouth...
...while supporting guns out of the other. M'kay?
Why don't you go to a Grateful Dead concert?
I can't, man. Jerry-berry's dead. M'kay?
Hey, man, I overheard what you said. That was cool.
What? Oh, thanks, man.
Want to come over to my place and finger-paint?
Sure, man. Finger-painting's cool. M'kay?
- Where did you leave him? - How the hell should I know?
Gerald, do something about your smart-ass son.
Mind your mother, smart-ass.
If we don't find him, you're going to be grounded for a month.
All this time: "Look out for your brother. " He wasn't even my brother.
Ike's adopted, but he's no less your brother.
Yeah, right.
Excuse me. We're looking for a 2-year-old Canadian boy.
2- year-old Canadian boy?
They might have one of those down at Haps bar.
Come on!
Ike!
Lady, that's my table post! You can't have that.
Wow, man. It's, like...
...you go through life thinking you're an individual. M'kay?
Then you realize you're more than that.
We're all just one big individual. M'kay?
Let's get married and have a honeymoon in India.
M'kay.
March to your room, and think about what you've done!
- Apologize to your brother! - He's not my brother!
- Apologize to him! - I'm sorry, Ike.
Wow, this is so beautiful.
I am one with the animals and the trees.
And I am one with you.
Unhand me! You're not gonna-!
- What's going on? - Tough love, Mr. Mackey.
- We're taking you to rehab. - I don't wanna go.
I haven't done drugs in weeks.
We were wrong for shunning you. We apologize. You needed help.
We're going to make sure you get the help you need.
- I don't want help! - You'll thank us later.
Tom. Patty. Thanks for coming to Ike's bris.
Look, Ike, it's your uncle Murray.
Hello, Ike. Where's little Kyle?
He's been sent to his room. He's decided that Ike isn't his brother.
- Hi, there. - Hello. Do I know you?
No, but I never miss a bris. I brought dip.
Thanks.
Well, I guess the chopping is about to commence.
What do you want?
Oh, no you don't. That won't work on me, Canadian.
- You're being too hard on him. - We've no connection. It was a big lie.
Go on, Canadian, beat it! I'm through getting in trouble for you.
Admit you have a problem before we can help.
- I don't think I have a problem. - Nonsense! You did drugs.
- You forgot about your family. - I don't have a family.
- You lost your job. - I lost it before that.
You're an adult. The problem with drugs is, people forget to stop doing them.
There's a time and place for everything: college.
Now, I want you to repeat after me. Drugs are bad.
"Drugs are bad."
Drugs are bad.
"Drugs are bad."
Dr. Schwartz. Thank you for coming all this way to perform Ike's bris.
My pleasure. I brought the normal cutting device.
Then I remembered Ike was Canadian, so I brought the right one.
- Where is the little rug rat? - Right over here.
Come here, you.
Ike! Ike!
There you are. Come on, Ike. It's time.
You stay away from my brother!
But, son, I just-
You won't cut off his wee-wee, you weirdo!
- What are you talking about? - You should be ashamed of yourself.
Don't you understand us males are defined by our firemen?
Yes, the fireman is magical.
If you rub his helmet, he spits in your eye.
Kyle, a circumcision is a common thing for Ike to have.
His father had it. His grandfather had it. And his brother had it.
No! No, it isn't true!
We won't cut it off. We're just going to snip it so that it looks bigger.
- That doesn't sound like a bad idea. - Yeah, I want a circumstision too.
Congratulations, you are fully recovered.
I can't thank you enough. M'kay?
- I feel like my old self again. - Just one more thing.
Remember that you can stay sober.
I will, Miss Social Worker. I will. M'kay?
- It's okay, Ike, I'm here. - And a one, and a two, and a-
Bris!
Ike, you're okay.
Having a bris isn't that bad.
Family isn't about whose blood you have. It's about who you care about.
You guys are more than friends. You're family.
- Except Cartman. - Naturally.
Screw you! I don't want to be in your penis-chopping family.
So now, children, your school counselor is back...
...to tell you firsthand of his nasty experience with drugs and alcohol.
Okay, kids, you shouldn't do drugs. M'kay?
Drugs are bad. I was at the bottom of the barrel.
I was a wreck. I didn't even care about money.
I was wasting my life.
- Wanna come to my bris tomorrow? - That's when I'm having mine.
No, I set up mine first!
You need to listen up. M'kay?
What I'm talking about might save your life someday.
- Okay, Mr. Mackey. M'kay? - M'kay.
- M'kay? - M'kay.
Now, as I was saying, drugs are bad.
You shouldn't do drugs. If you do them, you're bad.
Because drugs are bad. Okay?
It's a bad thing to do drugs. So don't be bad by doing drugs. M'kay?
That would be bad because drugs are bad. M'kay?